Lament For Lost Lands

I grew up in Santa Clara for some of the more formative years of my Tween to early adult years, and I could easily write a series of novels on the amazing memories I have from that time period.

My Teenage years alone deserve a spin-off series called The Intentionally Sad Guy.

It also was when I truly blossomed into what I will call my Nerd-dom; that part of my life where I leaned hard into my love of Fantasy, Sci-Fi and all things imaginative. I can clearly remember reading the shit out of the Santa Clara Library’s fantasy section, and I can still remember the strong sense of excitement, awe, and nostalgia I received when I found the hard cover books in the Myst novelization. I felt like I had found something deep and profound, and I was the only one who knew about it. These poor books, full of amazing ideas and worlds, were relegated to a section of the Library that only myself and one very smelly middle aged man knew about.

And that sentiment has stuck with me all my life. It pained me to see a good thing go unnoticed because it was clearly, a very good thing.

And as I began to seriously get into video games, board games, and RPG’s my love of Lore and world building went on Beast Mode. I read the Silmarillion, memorized a lot of the D&D Bestiary, and then started developing my own worlds and settings. This made up knowledge about places imagined was the fuel that helped it come alive in minute detail. It wasn’t just a book about a girl with a sword who stopped the dead, it was the story of a young woman coming of age in a world where Necromancers are to be feared, and the bells of defensive against dark creatures were etched in arcane symbology passed down from father to daughter. It wasn’t ‘just’, it ‘was’ and it ‘was’ happening in HD in my mind.

With that as the groundwork, I’ll say simply that when I find out about games or RPGs that didn’t get their deserved time in the sun, my heart breaks a bit. There is something unjust about all that to me. It hasn’t been until recently that I really resonate with those people that for whatever reason loved Everquest so much that they have devoted their own free time to host a server for Mac users. I resonate with the guy who has spent a great amount of time writing a blog for the RPG Skyrealms of Jorune because he just loved it so much that he felt the memory needed to be kept alive for the relatively few others who thought that game was amazing. I resonate with the people who scour old gaming stores or eBay auctions for pewter miniatures that can’t be found anymore. I grieve for Gamescape on El Camino Real. I remember being there the last week they were open as they liquidated their stock and moved on to other things (San Francisco I think). 

Before you call my friends and family to make sure I’m not huddled in a corner wearing a wizard cloak, covered in my own urine, I do see all this for what it is.

The gaming industry (video and tabletop) is rather Darwinian. Only the strong survive. I think it’s worth mentioning that there is argument to suggest that D&D could have gone the way of the DoDo if it weren’t for some kind deeds, and devoted fans. Also, one could argue that it was too big to fail, but that’s for another article.

Not long ago I got some kind of inexplicable itch to see what was on Craigslist as it pertains to people selling miniatures and manuals. One very, very kind gentleman who was willing to drive to my place of work to sell me his wares, was selling a series of core rulebooks (Vampire The Masquerade, Shadowrun, and Legend of The Five Rings). These core rulebooks were old. Like 1st and 2nd edition old. But I wanted them. So bad. 

“Are you sure you really want these?” He said awkwardly to the guy he had just met in the lobby of a downtown coffee shop.

“Oh yes, I really do! I want them because I’m a completionist” I replied, trying to not immediately explode in a Dr. Frink style ‘Glaven!’.

“I mean, some of the art is cool. Some is pretty dated. But really a lot of these games have pretty broken or outdated mechanics. The recent editions are far superior” he cautioned.

“It’s ok! It’s for the collection and the memories. I love the art and the lore.” I responded, hoping he didn’t see that I felt like I had just stolen the Hope Diamond.

And the transaction was complete. 

My close friend was there with me watching this happen. He is a full time touring musician and songwriter, which at the end of the day is an experience which is undeniably WAY cooler than this transaction in any given moment. In fact, my friend has taken dumps cooler than this interaction.

My wife recently asked me to clear out my bookshelf to make some space, because, she was right, I just had way too many books. She also hates clutter and I am The Clutter King. So I began the process of clearing out fiction novels, old comics I didn’t want, theology and seminary books a mentor gave me, strange zines I was given when I did music journalism, but when it came to the manuals and the long-forgotten things and games I just couldn’t even touch it. My wife understood.

The thought of any of these player handbooks ending up like those sad, lonely books at the Santa Clara library makes me ache. At least if they’re with me they will get treated like children.

My lament for the forgotten is pretty strong. I lament things I haven’t even heard of. There should be a shrine somewhere in my living room to ‘the unknown RPG manual’. 

But maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this millennial generation of gamers is set to protect more closely the things which we know might end up being taken for granted and then sold in a coffee shop 20 years later. We are, I think, vault keepers for something magical and potentially formative for another generation.

Because you see, these are living things. These aren’t just stories; although stories are powerful. These are experiences that can only be had with friends. I recently saw an RPG online that was created to be playable by one person; the idea was cool  but something in me felt like that very idea is a paradox.

We are set to repeat the age-old tradition of the campfire story but our minds and bodies retell them around a table instead. These games live because we live. Otherwise, they are just words and mechanics suggestions.

At the end of the day, people will love what people love. Maybe my ilk will be relegated to some kind of esoteric gamer Gnosticism. Emanations of D&D and Demiurges of GURPS. 

I’m ok with this. I get it. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Some people don’t care about the setting so much, as much as they love their friends and the beauty that is Role Playing Games and gaming.

But I will say this….These experiences transform us. They can’t be undersold or dismissed. And that’s what feels so sorrowful for me when I read about a critically received game that faded into obscurity. It was like the infinite potential for beautiful experiences was lost to time. 

New games will come and fads and styles will rise and fall. Rules Light. Very Crunchy. No Dice. Lots of Proprietary Dice. Just don’t let them die. That’s all. Someone be the Vault Keeper.

The Barrage

Video Games have been for me an ever-present experience the majority of my life. 

My experience is a bit rosy and cliche; it all started with the original Super Mario on NES.

I can still remember my cousin showing me Duckhunt and Mario (double cartridge mind you) in her living room in Susanville, CA. It was a gloomy day outside and so we parked in the living room to watch pixels jump over pixels. And guess what? It blew my little mind.

Recently my wife and I finished rewatching all of Regular Show (an amazing watch if you’re up for a new, easy to work through Cartoon based in imagination, nerdery, and 80s/90’s references) and there is a scene where our heroes Mordecai the Bluejay and Rigby the Raccoon are playing a console game and the mish-mash of pixels on the screen can hardly be called a picture let alone a shape. When they lift the box art to the screen in an impossible comparison they exclaim “Woah! It’s so life-like”. 

This was my experience with games. I was captured heart and soul by what is in modern comparison, sloppy pixels.

So now to look at this INSANE (and I mean insane) season of games descending upon us it blows up my little mind again. 

A couple of months ago a friend of mine showed me Breath of The Wild for the first proper time, as I was very late to the most recent game, and I have to say it was just another situation where I was amazed at how this longstanding series (another staple of my childhood) was still crushing it. It promptly brought me to purchase a Nintendo Switch, and my wife and I haven’t looked back.

So what’s the point of all this you say? The point is that I’m actually tired.

The sickeningly sweet downturn to this era of bounty is the constant, non-stop barrage of really, really good games. I’m talking really good. 

We’re getting it from all sides and it won’t stop. The indie world is churning out masterpieces while the AAA arena is giving a semi-steady flow of games which allow for a slower or more side-quest based burn. 

What scares me about this is the lack of the sponge-experience. What is the sponge-experience you ask? It’s a thing I just made up.

It used to be that your carefully earned allowance was spent on a somewhat researched game. Very rarely were my socks not blown off. We all purchased the occasional stinkers, but this was a lesson we learned hard and we moved on from. 

Once this golden title was procured, you spent a solid amount of time focused on said title, maybe occasionally breaking away to dabble in a more zen experience through an older title you beat, or a solider side-scroller or platformer.

There was some commitment to seeing something through to the end, or as far as you could manage without exploding your TV in a rage with a carefully aimed controller (See intentional Nintendo Wii Accident). And you know what? Is was freaking magical! 

It was an experience, a journey, and a formative video game season.

But now, we have something akin to mindless meandering from gratification to gratification. 

There is a system in place to allow this. With flash sales and humble bundles around every turn, you can now purchase most hit games for a fraction of their cost. It’s becoming more common amongst my friends and I (all serious and hardcore gamers) to lean into two or maybe three big titles and let the rest wash over you. It’s fine because you can always get them on sale later, but you end up playing catch up. If I am honest my gaming life is about three to even ten years behind. I am playing games that have been beaten 5 times already by some people a year ago, last week.

One could, and maybe should, explore how this represents the Millenial generation’s fear of commitment and an ever-present and chronic “Grass Is Greener” syndrome, but from a practical standpoint, it’s really just frustrating.

The culture of how we play games has shifted to a strange and new thing that is so modern and at the same time around the bend, that I’m shocked I’m not in a coma right now.

Just like so much of our modern age, full of constant content being shotgunned into our ears and eyes, the video game medium industry ‘gallery’ is taking very much the same approach. We are inundated with ads, reviews, and trailers showcasing the ‘next big thing’. 

This leads to a situation for me that is very much a ‘hurry up and slow down and experience all the things at once’. It’s manic and I hate it and I can’t stop.

It’s also led to some kind of bizarre Gaming FOMO for me. I get to hear about all the amazing moments my friends had with a specific game I’ve chosen not to play. I feel like I’m missing out and it’s weird.

Back in my own pock universe, because each game is a veritable masterpiece full of easter eggs, music, and kooky side-quests, by only playing the game for a quarter or less of it’s overall hours I often feel this anxious sense of disappointment when I start a new game. I wish in my heart that I could ‘have the experience’ of playing but I know the realistically I’m only going to get about skin-deep in the story or overall game.

It’s not all doom and gloom for me. When a game captures me I will play it for a healthy dose of time, and even in some cases, I will finish a smaller indie title. Just last week I finished ‘FAR: Sail Alone’ which I highly recommend if you haven’t played it already. I finished it in two days with about 2-3 hours per session. It was magical. 

And I’d be a liar if I didn’t clarify that I spend way more time consistently playing Destiny 2 with my clan and friends than any other game (right now), but because of this, I’ve intentionally avoided some of the other big games that friends have been suggesting (Monster Hunter World, Days Gone, Sekiro).

But the real thrill of these games has a potency still, and that will, or may never change for those who find true enjoyment and magic in the art of Video Game Media. 

No one ever said I have to stop and only play one game for the next three months, and I wouldn’t want to.